Lost Time

I really don't know where the time has gone! Really! Seems like just yesterday we brought home a precious one-week-old baby girl and now she's six weeks old. Oh my goodness! I know I'm sleep-deprived.....extremely sleep-deprived......but I feel like I just blinked and lost five whole weeks. But yet in other ways, some days...even moments...seem to drag on and on and on. Oh well, time really is a funny thing. Like how we measure everything by it. Even our lives. And to think there will be no time in heaven. Wow! No clocks, no calendars, no deadlines to meet. I find it so hard to fathom. And yet so refreshingly wonderful! Is it time to go yet?

Mysterious Ways

I haven't blogged for quite a while because honestly I didn't know what to say. Sometimes I feel like there are so many things going on in my head, it's almost impossible to sort it all out. Wondering...questioning...waiting...and waiting...waiting some more. And the thing is I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm waiting for. Well, I thought I sorta knew. I've done my share of dreaming and planning, but God had other plans in mind. Proverbs 16:9 says we can plan our ways, but the Lord directs our steps. And Isaiah tells us that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are way above ours. He works in mysterious ways. And He NEVER makes a mistake! So, today I find myself a little surprised and extremely blessed by the path He has set before us. It's definitely not anything I ever imagined, but I'm so thankful and amazed by His love. He truly is an awesome and amazing God! 

So Blessed

I just have to say that I am so incredibly blessed! Blessed to have a Heavenly Father who loves me, blessed to have a wonderful husband who loves me, blessed to have four awesome children who love me, blessed to have a church family who loves me, blessed to have fabulous friends who love me....I could go on and on and on. The thing is, I haven't always felt this way. There have been times when I have felt that no one really loved me; at least that's how I felt. I know it wasn't true, but feelings have a way of, well, feeling true. But when Truth is in your heart, you begin to understand how to sort out what's true and what's not, and learn to take every thought captive. (I'm still working on that one) I've spent way too much time and far too many years feeling down about myself and life in general. So that's why I am blessed to be able to write that I am truly blessed. Because I know it! I don't just feel it, I KNOW it. And blessings bring us so much joy! Thank you, Father.

Caring Father

As long as I live, I don't think I will ever fully comprehend the fact that my Heavenly Father cares so much for me. I mean, I know He cares for us all and loves us very much, but the way He cares about even the smallest details of my life just blows me away! My human nature is to think that He's way too busy to bother with itty, bitty me; much less to care about my itty, bitty problems or concerns. But He does! And He proves it over and over again! And I am so incredibly thankful that He is my faithful, caring Father!

Marvelous Mercy

So...I just need to vent and since this is my blog, I think I will. More and more, every single day, I find myself amazed and utterly sickened at the sinfulness and depravity of mankind! Seems like every where I turn, whether it's the newspaper, tv or computer, the horrifying stories of sin are there. Stories of women and children being forced into sexual slavery, parents abusing and sometimes killing their precious babies, and even local headlines of teachers violating and preying upon their students. Oh my goodness, I could go on and on and on! It's absolutely mind-blowing! Please don't get me wrong, I am not without sin. I am in need of God's mercy just as much as anyone else, but I find it so hard to understand how people can do these things. I find it even harder to understand how God can still have mercy on us. His heart is love. He commands us to love one another. These acts of wickedness are the farthest thing from that. How it must break His heart! How sickened He must be! I find that all I can do is cry out to Him "God have mercy on us all!"

Endless Love

Last night I couldn't get to sleep and I found myself thinking about how very much God loves us and always has. I thought about how easy it would have been for Him to stop with Adam and Eve when they messed up. He so easily could have said "That's it. They had their chance. Everything was absolutely perfect for them, but they had to go and eat from the one tree I told them not to!" And again with the people of Noah's day... He could have said "No more! They are so wicked; I'm done with them!" There are so many more examples, but I thought about the Israelites, and how they prayed and prayed that He would rescue them from captivity; then when He finally does, they complain about the conditions and wish they were back in Egypt. Oh how He could have called it quits right then...I mean, if at any of these times He had decided enough was enough, there would not have been a reason for His Son to die. I guess it's just hard for me to wrap my head around that kind of love that would put up with so much from the very ones He created for his glory. And that love that began way back before time is still very much alive today! That love, wrapped up in the form of Jesus, is not only with us, but in us. We live and breathe His love every single minute of every single day. This is just so amazing to me that He loves us with that kind of incredible, endless love.

God-Confidence

A confident woman is positive. Confidence and negativity do not go together. That's what Joyce Meyer says. And I agree. She goes on to say that being positive or negative is a choice, and either one comes from habits we form throughout our lives. The real key, I believe, is where we find our confidence. The world will tell us to believe in ourselves, we can do anything we set our minds to, etc., etc., etc. And while this may sound good on the surface, many who think this is their answer still struggle to be confident people. Why is that? Because our confidence must be found in God; the One Who created us. I have struggled my entire life with feelings of negativity resulting from extremely low self-confidence. I could never, EVER, find that confidence in myself. And sadly, no one really told me the truth...that I needed to base my confidence in God. Not me. Not self. I mean, come on, I know me. I know my faults. I know my fears. Why in the world would I ever place my confidence in me? But when I look to Him, I'm different. Not perfect. But different. I see mercy. I see grace. I see a love like no other. And suddenly I feel confident. In Him. His Word says that the Truth will set you free. It does. It really does! When I stop listening or believing the negative thoughts, and look to His Truth, I'm free! Free to live in the confidence that I am loved no matter what. Free to live in peace and joy that can only come from Him. I don't want to be a negative person. Who enjoys being around someone who always brings you down? I know I don't. And I know I have to make a choice every single day, sometimes minute-by-minute, to be a woman of peace and joy. Satan knows that if he can steal my joy, he's stolen my day. I will not let him have that victory! Lord, I look to You for my confidence. Help me each day to make the choice to drive away the negativity and be filled with Your peace and Your joy, so that it may overflow onto everyone around me. Thank You, Jesus.

Green-Eyed Monster

I have a confession to make. I am envious! Yes, the green-eyed monster has a foothold in my life. There. I said it. I confess that so many times I find myself envious of those who are living out their life of faith...whatever that looks like for them. When I say "them", I'm referring to the many people I read about that are serving God in some way...often in another country, but sometimes right here at home. They just seem to get it. They know what they're supposed to be doing and they're doing it! Over and over I keep hearing different messages about waiting,....and how the waiting has a purpose......and how we are to wait and trust......I know all of this. Really, I do! And I have come to the conclusion that it would be much easier if I knew exactly what I was waiting for!!! If I knew this, I could wait patiently for His perfect timing to bring about whatever it is. (Maybe...hopefully) But the point is I don't really know. I have dreams and desires, and I even have things I think He has hinted at, but I want to know. I want to KNOW! Oh my, sounds sort of like a childish tantrum....uh, sorry about that. (Blame it on the monster.) Anyway, I guess instead of praying for Him to help me wait, I need to pray "Lord, PLEASE help me to know what it is I am waiting for, and PLEASE help me wait patiently. Thank You. Amen." (And could You please get rid of this monster with the big green eyes? Thanks.)

Selfish Desires

This morning in my quiet time I was praying about my purpose and my desires, and God ever so gently questioned me about the reasons behind these desires. I felt Him saying to me that while these were all good, meaningful desires,... why? "Why do you desire these things? Is it because they make you feel good, or is it because you love Me? Because nothing you do matters if it is not done out of your deep love for Me! Nothing. No matter how good. No matter how right. No matter how meaningful. Is it truly because you love Me? And what if I choose not to fulfill your heart's desires, will you still love Me? Will you trust that I know best?" I really had to get on my knees and repent. I asked Him to fill me with His love and His desires, not mine. To show me the path He has for me and help me to stay on that path. To truly love Him with all my heart, and out of that love to love others. There are many 'good' reasons for my desires: I deeply love children and desire to adopt more. I deeply care for the people in Africa, especially the babies that are abandoned and need to be loved and cared for. I desire to live a ten-talent life...to be a sheep and not a goat...to hear Him say "well done". These are certainly all good desires. But if they are not rooted in a deep, abiding love for Him, they mean nothing. They are rubble. They will burn. Only those things done out of love will remain. This lesson was further illustrated when I opened up my emails and the devotion for the day was titled "Unmet longings." How appropriate. Drive it home, Lord. I think I'm getting it. She says 'sometimes I get so consumed in seeking my unmet longings that I forget to earnestly seek Him.'  She goes on to say that we must make the choice to surrender these things to Him and trust Him for His best by seeking Him first. Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that You love me so much and You desire my love in return. First.  Above all else. And when I truly love You with A L L of my heart, and A L L of my soul, and A L L of my strength...then You will take care of everything else.

Amazing Love

I haven't posted in a few days because I have been a little busy...loving. That's right...loving.  Love is an action word, something we choose (or choose not) to do. Love is not simply a feeling or emotion, as most like to think. It involves giving of ourselves to another. That is what I've been doing for the past week and a half. We haven't had a baby in our home in almost nine months, and I was beginning to wonder if we would ever have another. And then...suddenly!  We had a "suddenly", by way of a simple phone call. God knew what I needed and when I needed it, and in His Sovereignty He gave us a "suddenly". We were blessed to love and care for little Evan until he went to his forever home, and I am so grateful to be a part of his story; God's story, written long ago. But my love for Evan didn't leave when he did; he will be in my heart forever. And choosing to love those around me is a vital part of everyday existence. Every day is an opportunity to put that love into action. Granted, some days I don't "feel" quite so loving, but I must make a choice. God made a choice long ago to love me, and all of us, and He put that love into action by sending His only Son to die, for me...for us. Talk about action! No greater love has a man that he would lay down his life for a friend. Would you do that? Would I? I can say without hesitation that I would do this for my family, but for a friend? Not so sure. Hard to say. But to think God did it for me, while I was still a sinner. Wow. Now that's amazing love! And I know that it is only by His grace and mercy and filled with His love that I am able to make that choice to love others. Jesus said the greatest commandments were to love Him, and love others. If we truly love Him, it's only natural that we would put that into action and love others...and see them the way He sees them. So let us be challenged to look at everyone we meet through the eyes of Jesus, and love them the way He does. Make the choice and put your love into action. May His amazing love fill us and overflow onto everyone we meet!

Beautiful Grace

Grace. Such a beautiful word! I love the way it sounds, the way it looks. It's just....beautiful. So calming and peaceful. So powerful. And yet so hard to grasp. It sometimes feels as though it's at arms reach...we try but we just can't quite grab on and take hold. I want to be able to hold it close to my heart and never let it go. Not really the word, but the meaning behind the word. The Person behind the word! I want to truly understand His grace in my life. Joyce Meyer wrote a book "If Not For the Grace of God"; I highly recommend it. I have read and reread, and still don't feel like I completely have a handle on grace. Here are just a few things she says: "Grace is the power of God available to meet our needs without any cost to us. It is received by believing rather than through human effort. There is nothing more powerful than grace! If you and I will allow the grace of God to have full reign in our life, nothing will be impossible to us. Without that grace, nothing is possible to us. Everything we are and do and have is by the grace of God. We must learn to commit our lives to God, trusting ourselves to Him in everything and for everything, relying not upon our great faith but upon His marvelous grace." Wow!!! My devotion this morning said this: "Grace is God's power coming to us free of charge to help us do with ease what we could never accomplish on our own. Grace is freeing! It puts the burden to perform on God, rather than on us. As believers in Christ, our work is to believe while God works on our behalf." Wow again!!! I really want to wrap my mind around these truths! Help me, Lord, to not only understand your grace, but to accept it, and embrace it. Free me, Lord.

Expectant Prayer

I have to admit I have never really prayed expectantly; I don't think I ever thought about it much until recently. Now it seems to be surfacing a lot. Funny how that happens when God's trying to teach you something. I'm completely in awe of Habakkuk and his boldness. He prayed and he expected answers! Now don't get me wrong, he wasn't being rude or testing God in any way, he was just so full of faith that God would answer him. How many times have I prayed not really expecting an answer. Hoping, yes, but not expecting and believing. What I've been learning is that we have to BELIEVE by faith that our prayers will be answered and then WATCH for the answer to come. Otherwise we may just miss it! And it may not be anything like we were thinking, but His thoughts and His ways are so much higher, so we can know His answer will always be best. I can't help but wonder what answers I may have missed because I wasn't watching for them. Habakkuk said "I will stand my watch and set myself on the rampart, and watch to see what He will say to me." Another version says "I will climb up into my watchtower now and wait to see what the Lord will say to me." It's easy to get caught up in what I can see and forget to be watching and waiting in great anticipation of what He will do. Lord, help me to walk by faith and not by sight, and please don't let me miss any of Your answers. Amen.

THIS Day

I was gently reminded this morning by my Abba Father that I need to spend more of my time and energy enjoying THIS day! THIS is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it! I love the saying 'today is a gift; that is why it is called the present'! So not because it's Valentine's Day, but because it's my day, my gift, I am going to rejoice in THIS day. (Note to self: that means no worrying about tomorrow!!!) Thank you, Lord, for all your blessings, and for the gift of this day. Amen.

Fear Factor

Fear is such a wicked, vicious monster, who always rears it's ugly head any time we try to step out in faith. And it never ever disappears completely, though it may hide out for a while, watching and waiting for the precise time to emerge again. Some people seem to have the upper hand, while others are in a continuous struggle for control over their life and faith. What do the victorious ones know? How is it that they can slay this beast and never lose their stride? I and many, many others know in our heads that the key is faith. Faith in an all-powerful God Who tells us in His word we do not need to fear anything! A God Who is bigger and stronger than any fear I could ever imagine or dream up. However, when fear becomes reality, we stumble and lose our grip on God's mighty hand. But praise God, He NEVER lets go of us! We have to remember that! Even when we feel abandoned and alone in our fear, He has promised to never leave or forsake us. I wasn't planning to post on fear today, but it seems to be invading my thoughts in many ways. My devotion this morning asked the question "are you doing what you believe you really should be doing at this stage in your life, or have you allowed fear to prevent you from stepping out?" A few months ago, I had a vivid dream where a lion was stalking both me and my son. We were only a few steps away and it just kept following us until finally it pounced...directly on me, bypassing everyone else in the room. But it had changed into a white tiger. (I'm still not exactly sure about the meaning of that). Right before the attack, I was telling the others about this lion following me and a friend said (very matter-of-factly) "Oh yea. I saw it too. I just spoke to it in the name of Jesus and it left!" Well, when it came at me, I sat up in my bed trying to scream (you know, when nothing will come out). Shaking and trembling, I finally laid back down and prayed that God would show me what this meant. I felt Him so clearly say "Don't let the enemy steal your passion that I have given you!" I couldn't get this out of my mind for days, and I came to a peace that I truly needed to be proactive in guarding this passion; putting on the full armor of God every day. It is a battle, sometimes minute by minute. Fear has always had a grip on me and I let it control me for much of my life. Thankfully, I am learning so much about the power of the Holy Spirit in my life. Fear and faith cannot coexist! They just can't; so I am training myself to take any fearful thoughts captive and give them to God. I don't always succeed, but I am leaning on the power of the One who lives inside of me.  I am determined not to let any fears steal my passion to serve my Heavenly Father. I want to soar like an eagle high above any fear. It sounds really good; now Lord, please help me to live it out. Help me to step out in faith and serve You, for Your glory. Amen.

Waiting Room

What a difficult place to be! I have to believe that this waiting has a purpose. I know that God's ways are always best, so much better than we can even fathom. But sometimes it's just so hard to be still...even though maybe that's exactly what He's telling us to do. Be still and know. Know what? I don't feel like I know much of anything right now. Know...that He is God. (Deep breath.) I DO know that He is God, and He is Sovereign over all things, including all the little details of my life. This gives me peace. For a while. Until I start to feel anxious again, mainly because I feel I should be doing something. Anything. I find myself becoming even more confused when I read that we should wait and trust, and allow Him to work in our lives; then I read how we should be moving in faith, and it's up to us to take the first step and then God will show up. I question if I've missed something; did He tell me and I just didn't get it?  Is it right in front of my face and I just can't see it? Joyce Meyer says we are not to be confused, just wait... expectantly. Then one day there will be a "suddenly" and everything will change. But it will be in His perfect time. (Deep breath, again. Inhale peace; exhale calm) Indeed I have so much to learn in this time of waiting. I know God is not the author of confusion, and therefore, it's not good for me to be this way. I pray that He will help me wait expectantly, and trust Him to do what only He can do.

The Pearl

When I think of a pearl, I think of so many things; small, delicate, beautiful, precious, valuable. A treasure worth searching for in a most unlikely place. God has been leading me on this journey since October of last year; a journey that is leading me to see the world with His heart. Remember the blinders? I knew there was suffering and pain everywhere, and orphans needing to be loved and cared for, but I didn't want to really "see". When you see with His eyes and His heart you are called to action. You can't possibly sit by and do nothing. Sunday we were reminded of the parable of the talents and how God wants us to use the abilities He has given us for His kingdom. He has given me an overwhelming love and passion to care for the least of these; how does He want me to do that? We have been a foster family for a little over 12 years now, and we have had the honor and privilege to care for more than fifty babies during this time. We have also been blessed to adopt our precious little boy. But now it seems that this season is coming to an end. We're not needed here like we used to be. For various reasons, interim care that we provide before the baby goes to the adoptive home is not necessary. I have cried out to God to please bring us babies to love, and finally He said "I'm not bringing them to you because I need you to go to them." Oh my! What do I do with that? At the same time He began taking off my blinders and showing me His heart for Africa, more specifically Uganda. So many precious little ones abandoned. Since October, I have researched the country and read everything I could. I have made contacts both here and there with different people who have ties to the country. I have seen my husband come full circle and be willing to do whatever it is God is asking us to do. So we continue to take baby steps of faith, praying and asking God to show us the way. We know His heart; we know His will. He makes it clear in His word that we are to care for widows and orphans; to give food to the hungry, and drink to the thirsty; to love others with His love and care for their needs. When we do this, we honor Him. Now we are asking Him to show us how He would have us do this. My heart wants to move there now. I can think of no better place to be than holding, loving and caring for His little ones when He returns. But it's all in His timing, and so we wait patiently, but not idly. We keep moving in the direction we feel He is leading, asking Him to open doors and close them as He wills. We wait and we pray, expectantly. Lord we want to be Your servants; we want to do Your will. Please make a way and lead us to where You would have us be. I found out in my quest  Uganda is called "The Pearl of Africa".

Comfort Zone

We all have one. The place where we can relax a little, maybe let down our guard.  A place where it just feels safe and...comfortable. But is it truly the best place to be? Fear would have us believe so. Fear cripples us, and convinces us we can't do anything outside of our zone. Fear paralyzes; faith enables. Faith is the direct opposite of fear. Fear says stay in the boat; faith says you can walk on water. Fear says you can't possibly do that; faith says you can do all things through Christ. Eyes of faith let us see an invisible God, no matter what may be going on all around us. My comfort zone has caused me to walk around with blinders on the sides of my eyes, you know, to keep me focused on the task just ahead. Do what you gotta do mentality; don't even think about attempting to do anything else. But God has taken those blinders off my eyes, allowing me to see the world with His eyes, and His heart. And I don't want to be in my comfort zone anymore. I want to be exactly where He says I need to be, doing His will for His glory. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what that looks like, and taking baby steps to get there. I'm determined to not let fear rule and reign over me any more. The note in my Bible for Genesis 12:2 says this "God may be trying to lead you to a place of greater service and usefulness for Him. Don't let comfort and security make you miss God's plan for you." God, I don't want to miss anything You have for me. Please keep me moving in the right direction, closer to Your heart.

Why Blog?

That's what I've been asking myself all weekend. Why in the world did you start a blog? Who in the world would want to read it? (insert negative tone) But I've been trying to change my way of thinking, and after many failed attempts on my own, I'm allowing the Holy Spirit to work in my life, and instead of asking why, I'm beginning to ask "why not?" You see, God's been challenging me in so many ways lately, and one huge way is how I think about myself. Our pastor reminded us last week that we are God's masterpiece, created by Him for good works in Christ Jesus. I've heard this many times before, but this time was different; this time instead of hearing it from a person, I was hearing it from God. And not only that, He very plainly said "How can you possibly tell others about my love and how special they are to me if you don't really believe it yourself?" I've never had a very high opinion of myself, but God wants me to know that He loves me and I am His masterpiece. Do you know how hard it is to look in the mirror and say "I am a masterpiece"; it's extremely hard, (especially first thing in the morning). I know me. I know what I've done. But guess what...so does He, and He still loves me. Amazing grace! Incredible mercy! Unconditional love!  So, back to my question: why blog? Well, I have some favorite blogs that I love to read and have helped me in so many ways. So I just decided that I want my family to be able to look back and know how God was working in my life; and even now, if He takes me to a distant land (more on this later), I want them to have a way of knowing what He is doing. And if anyone else stumbles here in the process, I pray that they too would see past me and into the eyes of a loving God, who is not far off in the distance looking down upon us, but Who is right here with us and deeply cares and wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives. I am His masterpiece! And so are you!

Baby Steps

I have this problem: I'm not too fond of the process. I just like to see the end results. So on this journey, I would really like to see where I'm going. But then that wouldn't require much faith, now would it. I must admit, though,sometimes I get so confused along the way. I really like to read a lot. One time I read that we must wait patiently for God to work it out, trusting in His perfect timing. Then I read how in order to be led we must be moving. Steps of faith. Get out of the boat. So how do we mesh the two together? I believe, at least for me, it requires baby steps of faith. As long as God lights the next step on the path, I don't need to see the whole path. I just simply take that step, trusting that if (or when) I mess up, His grace is more than enough. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to figure it all out, I just have to be surrendered and willing to follow Him. This has truly been freeing. Thank You, Lord, for being so patient with me and lighting the next step. Help me to keep moving and growing on this journey.

The Invitation

God has invited me to go on a journey...with Him. How cool is that! The God of this universe inviting me to journey to the depths of His heart! Amazing! Okay, the reality is He invited me a long time ago when I first accepted His gift of salvation, I just didn't know it then. So, while this is not earth-shattering revelation to everyone, it has been to me over these last few months. Sure, I've seen glimpses of His heart many times, but I'm sad to say that I've never really understood what it means to follow Him in complete surrender. And truth is, I'm tired of playing games and going through the motions of trying to be who I think I should be, rather than just simply being who He has created me to be. God's heart is not a great mystery. He tells us plainly in His word how much He loves us and wants us to love Him, first, and then love others. So many verses speak of His heart for the least of these: the poor, the hungry, the orphans and the widows. How can we possibly say we love Him, and then do nothing to help them. And when we do something, it's then that we come face to face with Him. I don't know where this journey will take me, but I know that there is no better place to be than in the center of His will. So lead me Lord, and help me to follow You with all my heart.